Jacque Poosteau

I was on holiday in Yugoslavia some years back, Interailing with a couple of mates. We all went for a dip in the Adriatic and I mentioned that I needed a poo. Michael dared me to shit it there, so I pulled off my shorts and started pushing. Treading water and trying to shit isn't easy I can tell you, but after a while the turd was half way out. However for all my pushing I couldn't dislodge it from my arse so I started doing these forward rolls in the water. My mate reckoned I looked like some bizarre variation of a Catherine Wheel, rotating with this turd dangling out of my arse crack. When it eventually dislodged it flopped onto my back and I had to do a few rapid dives to get it off.

On another occasion I was on a geography field trip in Snowdonia and my mate went off with the trowel and bog roll to a tom-tit. After about five minutes he comes back and says we've all got to come and look, so we all trudge over to his poo-hole and look inside. He'd managed to do this perfect walnut whip poo, like a Mr Whippy 99, complete with little whispy bit on the top. Finest turd I've ever seen.

Shite/Puke

2 years ago my mate was out for a birthday drink or 2. After a few he nipped in the bog to have a dump. About 20 minutes later we got a bit concerned so went to look for him. We had to knock in the door as he wasn't responding and we found him unconscious sitting on the toilet with his pants and trousers round his ankles still but which were now FULL of tequilla, lager and curry puke.
He came round OK but as he couldn't go home like that we had to borrow a pair of trousers from the owner who is an overweight OAP. We got him home OK and he awoke next day to his (only recent) girlfriend asking what the hell he was doing in bed with over-sized compo like trousers on tied up with string - which he couldn't answer as he had forgotten. When she went to the kitchen she found a plastic bag which she opened to see what was going on and unearthed some barf crusted boxers and jeans.

Bit long I am afraid, but it’s always made me laf

Somehow some friends and I had managed to get invited to a vague acquaintance's house warming party. Having been viewed with suspicion for the evening, being virtual strangers to everyone else at the party, things were not exactly going swimmingly. Anyway, all of a sudden one of my mates runs into the front room and announces that its time we were going. Presuming that he was as bored as the rest of us, we followed. It was only on the walk home that the truth came out. My mate had gone to the newly decorated bathroom for a peaceful shit. About half way through someone had knocked on the door. As he got up and flushed he realised that the turd he had produced was massive and particularly buoyant. After a couple more flushes and more frantic knocking at the door he decided more drastic action was required. Spotting a loo brush he decided it would be a good idea to push the offending turd down the u-bend with it. After a good rummage he looked down to find that, success, the beast had gone. But then, to his horror he realised it had not flushed, but was stuck to the loo brush. Not to worry, one flick of the wrist would send it back into the bowl. Unfortunately, the faeces were removed on the backstroke of the flick and were splashed across the wall. Now with mad door rattling and knocking coming from outside, my mate set about ‘removing the evidence.’ Unluckily there was only a brand new set of white towels to do it with. After another ten minutes smearing excreta around the walls, in the sink and around the toilet bowl he decided to give up. Opening the door to a desperate looking girl he announced in a moment of bizarre excuse making, “there were some scallys in here but I chased them off.” This was the moment he came running into the front room. He has never lived it down.